100+ Funny Quotes & Sayings with Images

Funny Quotes – Humor plays a vital role in human being’s live. It brings happiness in life as William ThackerayA good laugh is sunshine in the house” & Helps to forget sore past as once Madeleine L’Engle said “A good laugh heals a lot of hurts“.

With full of humor & laughter, there is famous funny quotes to share with your best friends, family whom you love the most. Give them some a dose of inspirations with a bunch of humor.

Here you’ll get most amazing Funny Quotes about Life, Friendship, Hard work, Sexy, Confucius, relationship, stay positive, funny marriage, love quotes etc.

Share these funny quotes in the early morning to give a fresh start of the day.

Famous Funny Quotes & Sayings with Images

Living is good. But I’d prefer to live good somewhere else.


Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

There is nothing better than a friend unless it is a friend with chocolate.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected!

If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves.

Guys: No Shirt, No Service – Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

He who laughs last didn’t get it.

Yes, I have a dirty mind and you’re on it.

He’s so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor. – Paddy O’Dea

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

If you can’t wrap Christmas presents well, at least make it look like they put up a good fight.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

A dream catcher works, if your dream is to be gay – Demetri Martin

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.

A penny saved is ridiculous.

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, No hablo ingles.

It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

Friendship is not about whom you have known the longest or who cares the best it’s about who came & never left.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Can’t tell you how cute you’ll look with all that cake on your face.

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn’t act that way very often.

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal – Demetri Martin

Everyone has photographic memory; some just don’t have the film.

If you live and breathe the gym, then you’ll totally relate to these quotes about your favorite place on earth.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It’s just that yours is stupid.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

If you eat caviar every day it’s difficult to return to sausages.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

We live in an age where pizza gets to your home before the police.

A bad day of fishing is still better than a good day at the office!

Wear short sleeves. Support your right to bare arms!

Well-behaved women rarely make history.

Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

Husband is the HEAD of the family and wife is the NECK that turns the head around!

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…

May your life be long and useful like a tissue paper so that whenever you unroll a day it always brings you success and victory.

Car service: If it ain’t broke, we’ll break it.

Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil. – Jerry Garcia

Ducking for apples – change one letter and it’s the story of my life – Dorothy Parker

I’ll always remember last night, but I think we can forget about tomorrow.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

God gave men brains larger than dogs’ so they wouldn’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.

One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures. — George W. Bush

We should just cancel the election and just give it to Trump.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. – George Carlin

Pro and con are opposites, that fact is clearly seen. If progress means to move forward, then what does congress mean? – Nipsey Russel

As he was valiant, I honor him. But as he was ambitious, I slew him. – William Shakespeare

So I’m licking jelly off my boyfriend and all of a sudden, I’m thinking, ‘Oh my God, I’m turning into my mother.funny-sex-quotesEverybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

He who laughs last, didn’t get it.

He’s so optimistic he’d buy a burial suit with two pairs of pants.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out his nose.

Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Fragile. Do not drop. — Posted on a Boeing 757

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

You’re just jealous because we act retarded in public but people still love us!

Gene Police: You!! Out Of The Pool!

I stopped fighting my inner demons, we’re on the same side now.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.

If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

Don’t like me? Cool. I don’t wake up to impress you everyday.

Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

I know you want me. You’re so right. I want you to leave.

Jealousy is a terrible disease please get well soon dumb!

My toughest fight was with my first wife. – Muhammad Ali

“I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.”

It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.

Join The Army. Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

The road to success is always under construction.


All generalizations are false, including this one.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry – Bill Cosby

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. – Maryon Pearson

When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.

I congratulate you, you’ve been working so hard. Dealing with a man like me for all these years. Happy Anniversary, dear!

Where there is a “will,” there are 500 relatives.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax. Tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.

Police arrested two kids yesterday: one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off. – Tommy Cooper

Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia. – Judith Viorst

I’m eating just in case I get hungry in the future.

What goes best with a cup of coffee? Another cup. – Henry Rollins

I told my kids, “Someday, you’ll have kids of your own.” One of them said, “So will you.” – Rodney Dangerfield

17 Famous Funny Messages to Send Your Friends

  • My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
  • Drawing is like making an expressive gesture with the advantage of permanence. – Henri Matisse
  • Nelson Mandela, He’s been out of prison for 16 years and hasn’t re-offended. I think he’s going straight. Which shows you, prison works. – Ricky Gervais
  • The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • Adorable children are considered to be the general property of the human race. Rude children belong to their mothers. – Judith Martin
  • It’s hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. – George Burns
  • Arguments are to be avoided: they are always vulgar and often convincing. – Oscar Wilde
  • Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises.
  • All the things I like to do are either illegal, immoral or fattening.
  • The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. —Mark Twain
  • Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
  • Cheese . . . milk’s leap toward immortality.
  • Death is hereditary.
  • A wise man once said ‘I don’t know, go ask a woman’.
  • Whoever said money doesn’t buy happiness, hasn’t been shopping at the right malls.
  • What? Okay, back up. How in the hell do you ‘turn up missing’? – Kevin Hart
  • The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. – Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

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